Monday, January 12, 2009

006. This is what I think about every day

Trigger warning.

Ugh. I unblocked Catherine the other day because I thought: You know, it's been a while, I think she has grown, and frankly, I don't want to see these names on my block list.

Of course, then my other friend pops up in my notifications and I see she has been tagged in an album. Oh! I think, I'll go see her photos!

Who owns this album? None other than Catherine. And who is in the premiere photo? THE MAN WHO FUCKING RAPED ME.

On the one hand, I do not want that bitch to even marginally dictate my account. On the other, I want to punch her IN THE FACE.

I want to scream to the world: This is my identity! This is my story! I was raped!

And I want to see her break down and cry because it suddenly hits her: Oh, shit, I abandoned my best friend when she was most vulnerable because I had a crush on the man she accused and chose to believe his bullshit than trust the girl who was my friend for three years and had no reason to lie to me.

What a fucking wake-up call, eh?

I don't need her approval, I just don't want to have to worry about what i do and where I go.

Why is it fair that I will never, never trust people again.

I will always worry, "when do I have to tell them the truth?"

That's what I think now when I meet people: "Can I tell them I was raped? How would they react?"

I wonder, "Will I ever need to tell this person? What if I break down in their presence?"

"Can I get fired for breaking down because I was triggered by an image?"

"What if i run into him today?"

"What if I run into her?"

I play out in my head what I would do in these situations--I create lavish fantasies in which i am strong and nonchalant and she is a psycho and all-of-a-sudden everyone in the room realizes, "Wow! Leigh is an incredible, strong woman! I can't believe these assholes are allowed to exist! Kill the ogres!"

Yes, there are pitchforks involved in some of these fantasies.

I dreamed about her last night, too. I dreamed about meeting her an an inaugural ball, and she was avoiding me, and I confronted her, and I found out that he raped her too. So, now I am wondering...maybe he did, and maybe she doesn't know because he was her first time and she didn't really want him, but he was so persuasive, and there was so much alcohol, and she's not like that whore Leighann who cries rape and goes to the police and tries to get everyone to sympathize with her so she can ruin some poor guys life. No, she's not like Leighann at all.

It's just...not right. I want people to know it's not right. The way I think and process the world around me is forever changed because one man decided he was entitled to a piece of my drunken ass and instead of responsibly realizing, "Hey, she is waaaaay to drunk--fuck, she is drooling vomit! I should get her some water and make sure she isn't suffering from alcohol poisoning--shit, she is, I need to get her to the fucking hospital!" he thought, "I'm'a get me some pussy tonight and teach this bitch a lesson!"

Fuck him. And fuck Catherine. I know what happened, and I know I am not a liar, and I know that I am fucking amazing for still being alive, let alone working a good job in an amazing city.

So, Fuck Him, and fuck any asshole who thinks it's okay to have sex with someone unable to give consent. I don't care how you rationalize it: It's rape.


  1. I .. I dont know what to say!..
    You're one strong woman, I know how hard it is to deal with this each day, but u need to grow out of it.. U cannot let this upset u your entire life! And no, its not like its 'easy for me to say'.
    U need to understand that smthing tht hpnd well in the past should on no account be allowed to ruin ur future. Let go of what hpnd, and become who u were before this happened. U have every right to be happy, every right.

  2. but u need to grow out of it

    No. Yes, it is terrible, and yes, I bear the scars every day, but I can not simply "grow out of it." This is something that is part of my life, and it is part of who I am.

    I may never heal completely, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. I am one voice in a chorus, and by talking about these terrible things, I might help someone else who was hurt.

    Thank you for your comment, but I politely disagree.