Friday, November 9, 2007

153. I am a terrible person

I saw Catherine on the street today. She saw me, she buried her nose in a packet she was reading and pretended not to see me. It would seem she is more terrified of me than I am at her. But the kicker? She is fat. Not curvy, not healthy, she is chipmonk cheek unhealthy fat and it does not look good on her whatsoever. Don't deny it, if you saw someone who betrayed you in the worst possible way and she had gained a gross amount of weight in her face and a beer belly, you would be more than pleased. I was a little disapointed that she didn't say anything, because I was totally prepared to take the high road, respond minimally and carry on with my day. But, hey, she is *terrified* of me and fat. This pleases me, especially with recent developments. The young woman who interviewed me for her video projact called me the other day. Apparently, even though I had taken huge pains NOT to reveal his identity or anyone's for that matter, her professor needs her to get a statement from the guy. I am very uncomfortable with this. At the sametime, I want this story out there, and I don't want the girl to fail her class. I pointed her in the right direction, but I made it very very clear how scared I was of retaliation. Apparently, she just needs to make an attempt to contact him and at least get a "Could not be reached" or "refused to comment." So..yeah. I am feeling better about it now, and I know I can call 911 if he or his friends try to contact me, so that's good. But seeing Catherine and not having her explode in a fit of accusations, that is a huge relief.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

152. Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner

The past two weeks have been absolutely insane. I've had a lot of tough decisions to make, and I feel like time is just rushing by, waving as it passes me in that bullet car from Mario Kart. I haven't gone to any of my classes this week, I'm such a mess. But things are starting to look up. I've decided to stop the Law School application process--that can wait and I don't need to be so stubborn. I don't need an acceptance letter from my dream law school to "win." I've already won because I am back at school and I'm making new friends and people like me and I am speaking about what happened and people think I am brave. So, yeah. I win. But I've still be so stressed. I slept peacefully without a sleep aid for the first time last night in two weeks. I've just had so much on my plate--I am gonna take it easy tomorrow though. Go to class, but not worry that I may not all have the reading done. I can work on it a little this weekend and I think I am focusing more, so that's good. That's what the problem's been. I haven't been able to focus on reading because my mind would wander to thoughts about what happened and my former friends and the lies and betrayal and, ugh, I've just had enough of them. I have better friends who get me and are an amazing support system and I am really...proud of them. They are good people, and they are good to me. Lily and Ashley dragged me out to see Sweeney Todd last night, and I am so glad they did. Not only was the play amazing, but I had a blast with them. We dressed up for the holiday; I wore a white dress and was Baby from Dirty Dancing. It was a good night. Very different from the weekend before. Ugh, such a mess. I just collapsed from all the pressure and stress and hearing from an academic advisor that my grades aren't high enough to get into the schools I want to get into and then getting lied to about weekend events and too much work due on Monday, I just completely broke down. The parents wanted me to come home, and for a few days, I really did too. But I want my degrees so much, and I can do this. I have spoken to a couple of my professors and my counselor and the Dean of my college, and I have options, and that means a lot. No matter what I decide to do, I can finish my degree, and that is good. I think I am gonna stick out the semester, and I am so relieved that my professor in my 500-level has been so supportive. I only today told him about what happened, and he has offered three different options so I can finish the class or take an I or, if need be, take a W. So, wow. So relieved. But I need to get my butt in gear and try and get some reading done tonight. I think I can, so I am looking forward to it. :) Side note: I may need to create a database for all the names I use in here, haha.