Friday, August 24, 2007

145. Letter

I know I am selfish and self-centered, but I don't know how else to be. I want to be there for you, but I can only do my best. I try so fucking hard not to talk about my problems, and Lord knows I have a lot of them, but don't make me feel like I am a heinous, selfish bitch because you're upset over that jerk I warned you about and I have no idea how to console you. You're not the only one, too. I feel like I am driving everyone away because I'm not here. I don't log onto aim half as much. And no, I have not put you on my block list. I really, truly, have not been logging on. I am still depressed. I am still stressed out of my mind. I've put on weight and my self esteem is shot. If you can't be my friend anymore, fine, but stop pretending and lets go on our merry ways. When we see each other in class, we'll be civil, but that's it. I just don't have the fucking energy anymore. I know I have hurt and frustrated a lot of people, and I am so sorry. I don't know what to do--part of me just wants to disappear. I feel like everyone would be a whole lot better off without my mindless chatter to annoy them because, Lord knows, I cna't seem tot alk about anything else without breaking down into a pathetic, sobbing blob. I don't know if I am strong enough to go back to school. I don't know. I warn people not to rely on me. I am not okay. And it hurts so much when they rely on me anyway and I can't live up to their expectations and they are upset. I am SORRY. What do you want me to do? I'm sorry I am not the person I was a year ago. Why can't you take that as it is and move on? I am trying to. I am sorry I am a bad friend. I am sorry I don't know what to say anymore. I am sorry.

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