Friday, August 24, 2007

145. Letter

I know I am selfish and self-centered, but I don't know how else to be. I want to be there for you, but I can only do my best. I try so fucking hard not to talk about my problems, and Lord knows I have a lot of them, but don't make me feel like I am a heinous, selfish bitch because you're upset over that jerk I warned you about and I have no idea how to console you. You're not the only one, too. I feel like I am driving everyone away because I'm not here. I don't log onto aim half as much. And no, I have not put you on my block list. I really, truly, have not been logging on. I am still depressed. I am still stressed out of my mind. I've put on weight and my self esteem is shot. If you can't be my friend anymore, fine, but stop pretending and lets go on our merry ways. When we see each other in class, we'll be civil, but that's it. I just don't have the fucking energy anymore. I know I have hurt and frustrated a lot of people, and I am so sorry. I don't know what to do--part of me just wants to disappear. I feel like everyone would be a whole lot better off without my mindless chatter to annoy them because, Lord knows, I cna't seem tot alk about anything else without breaking down into a pathetic, sobbing blob. I don't know if I am strong enough to go back to school. I don't know. I warn people not to rely on me. I am not okay. And it hurts so much when they rely on me anyway and I can't live up to their expectations and they are upset. I am SORRY. What do you want me to do? I'm sorry I am not the person I was a year ago. Why can't you take that as it is and move on? I am trying to. I am sorry I am a bad friend. I am sorry I don't know what to say anymore. I am sorry.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

144. Heroes on the halfshell

Heee, the brother and I watched TMNT, which is full of turtle love. I was disapointed they didn't play the theme song, but the movie surpassed expectations. Then the parents and I watched 300, which was amazing, but I loved Sin City, too. Mmmm, I love me some smexy Spartans. The loan issue is looking up. sigh, I just really wish it wasn't an issue to start with.

Monday, August 13, 2007

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! They won't accept my loan. My fucking school where the advisors told me everything would be okay dont worry about your incompletes will not accept my loan, which I got to replace my fucking scholarship, until I finish those incompletes. If I had finished those incompletes, I wouldn't need the fucking loan in the first place!!!!! I hate this. I hate that asshole.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

142. Stardust and Skirt Steak

The sister and I went to see Stardust today. Very cute movie. I am a huge Neil Gaiman fan, and I was very excited to see the film made (and the preview for Beowulf ZOMG Angelina Jolie is so hot). I love how they took the book, but then made a movie about it. Anything that would not translate well to film or that would make the movie move too slow was cute. They found other ways to portray the same ideas, which, really, is all you can ask for from two different media. The actors were well chosen, and I want to have Gaiman's babies. The end. The new Beatles inspired movie looks fantastic too. Across the Universe. And His Dark Materials makes my inner 12 y old go squee. August Rush looks super sweet. And Keri Russel is in it. We got home and I made skirt steak on the grill. I may have lose a few pieces of squash inside the grill, buuut I won't be cleaning them until tomorrow when the coals are cool. I already burned my hand once today, thank you. I used this marinade from Alton Brown, only I replaced one of the spices with curry, and it was amazing. Oh! I totally went shopping in the Whole Foods where Alton shops. Hee. I send Katy photos from my phone, and all was good. ETA: I quit my job a few weeks ago. I just forgot to write about it. I am a nanny no more.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

141. Mariah Carey Sex Music

I am taking a wonderful, relaxing bath, listening to a mix of ska and lilith rock, when out of no where my player startings pumping out this disney magic song. I have no idea how "Do You remember the magic" even got onto my bathtub music, but good lord, anything that you might here on Radio Disney does not make for relaxing and intimate. Haha, on that note, I bet Mariah Carey would make for horrible sex music. Could you imagine being in the throws of passion when... EeeeeeEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeee! Not to say I don't love Ms. Carey's songs. I made rice cooker bread today and completely failed. I altered the recipe for a crock pot and the bread rose wonderfully and seemed to cook wonderfully...until I tried to flip it and found that it was stuck to the bottom. Yes, Leighann forgot to grease her crock pot, which, unlike rice cookers, does not have a non-stick surface. It still taste delicious. I'm getting ready to go back to school. Found out some more of my friends are in the same dorm as me, which is awesome. I keep saying I am gonna start packing now...and then I watch TV instead. Oh, Tivo, how I love thee.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

140. Why, yes, I am alive.

After an extremely stressful month, I finished my final paper and turned it in. Now I just have to take my two finals after the semester starts and, if my GPA holds up, I will get my scholarship back. So...I'm surviving. I visited the cousins in NY a few weeks ago. That was amazing--I grew up with these girls, and I can't believe we haven't seen each other in three years. Sistergirl and I also met the twins, the cousins of the cousins. The twins are adorable, I love them. They are just turned 18 and absolutely sheltered. Their dad is uber religious, but the one twin is a total rebel. She has her bellybutton pierced and her dad doens't know, and she is too excited to go away for college. The other one is far more conservative. Soooo cute.