Sunday, April 22, 2007

121. Attention Whore

Ugh, slept until 3 today. Was absolutely miserable. I didn't actually get to bd until 5 in the momrning because I couldn't sleep. Instead, I read the missed connections posts on craigslist. I'm a winner, eh? When I finaly did get up, I had a horrible headache. When with mom to drop off the sistergirl at her dorm, but only after playing the worlds greatest game of monopoly ever. My little brother, who we would convince to give us the best properties in trades, won. He got all the utilities, ransportation and the entire first row of properties which he put hotels on so if you landed on a light blue space, you had to pay him $450. It was hilarious. He won so much money. Meanwhile, me and sistergirl had monopolies all across the board with one measely little house on each. Yesterday, we went to some museum thing. I was going to meet my friend Ryan there because she was working that day, but she had to go home last minute. But me, sistergirl and the boy had fun anyway. Tomorrow I go to a counselor. I'm dreading it. I have nothing to say. But if I don't go, everyone and the world will be naging me to call hotlines and crisis centeres and, Jesus Christ, I don't want to hear about it anymore. I hate all of this. But if the tiniest little things like my dad changing the channel while I am watching something can set me off, I guess I do need counseling. I was bawling about my birthday yesterday, because I had all these great plans for it, but now they're gone down the John because I won't be up at school and I'll be spending my miserable twenty-first at home. Well, lord knows I shouldnt have said anything. One friend tried to console me by telling me how miserable his birthdays already are. Yeah, thanks buddy. I don't want pity, and I don't want presents. I just want to be with my college friends, and no one seems to get that. Well, you could do this instead, they say--I don't want to hear that. I'm allowed to be selfish and wish for a party that's all about me, right? But I am not ready to be back in Boston. My parents sure as hell wouldn't let me fly up there for my birthday. But I want to be able to order a drink surrounded by the college kids who have been my friends for the past three years. I want to be with that crowd. I have so many amazing friends from all around the world, and they have been so good to me, but I can't tell them that I don't want their sympathy for this. THis...this is about something that I need to experience with my college friends. And now...I don't get the chance to. I'm absolutely miserable because of it. I love my family, but all I can think about is how when I turn twenty one, I will be home. No party, no clubs, no friends. All the people here, sure, tehy're my friends...but they haven't known me in three years. If I said anything to Ryan, I know she would make it her goal to give me the greatest turning-21 experience ever...but she would be the only one that I would really know. I know all her friends, but not well. So please, excuse me while I wallow in self pity. I just don't want to hear from people any mroe that one great friend is priceless, blah blah blah. I know all that. But it doesn't change that for my 21st I don't get to go to the clubs I am familair with, and I don't get to be surrounded by my friends. I want to be the center of attention, and for fucks sake, don't I deserve at least that?

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