Saturday, March 31, 2007

119. Slut

What's wrong with me? I did it again. I drank so much, half my night is gone. I found out later I had sex with a boy who I am absolutely repulsed by. I'm not attracted to him, and I think he is a dirtbag. I'm sure I told him I didn't want to have sex. I didn't even want to kiss him. I sat down on the couch and all of a sudden we were making out and I feel so sick and disgusting and I don't know what to do with myself. Katy and I went grocery shopping today and we stopped in the pharmancy. I bought Plan B. I called the kid this morning to find out if we actually had sex. I tell him, "I didn't want to have sex with anyone last night." He says, "Yeah, well, stuff happens. We used protection." I am so angry with myself, and I am angry at him. I dug through my garbage this morning to find the fucking condom to see if it broke. What do you know, it was. I didn't want to hook up with anyone. I wanted to have fun with my friends and play card games and dance. I asked if I needed to get tested for anything. He's all checked out, he says. He's a fucking whore. I hate him. I hate him, and I hate myself for getting so trashed. I was so sick last night, too. I just want to curl up and cry. I feel so disgusting and used and dirty. An then one of my roommates yelled at me this morning because I locked the top latch because, I think, in some small way I was trying to protect myself. Like double locking the door would fix everything. He says he was ringing the doorbell for half an hour. "Don't latch the door unless EVERYONE is home," he said in an angry email. Because, yyou know, instead of acting like a sane person and calling someone's cell phone, he just rang and rang the doorbell. He knows even when we are in the den, no one runs to answer the doorbell unless we are expecting someone. He didn't think to call someone's cell phone the moment he realized that, maybe, the doorbell doesn't ring in the upstairs bedrooms. ETA: Even my horoscope mocks me. Yes, you have right on your side. There is a problem, however -- your opponent is just as certain that the forces of good are with them. Could it be that both of your arguments have some merit? Hmmm

No comments:

Post a Comment