Saturday, March 31, 2007

119. Slut

What's wrong with me? I did it again. I drank so much, half my night is gone. I found out later I had sex with a boy who I am absolutely repulsed by. I'm not attracted to him, and I think he is a dirtbag. I'm sure I told him I didn't want to have sex. I didn't even want to kiss him. I sat down on the couch and all of a sudden we were making out and I feel so sick and disgusting and I don't know what to do with myself. Katy and I went grocery shopping today and we stopped in the pharmancy. I bought Plan B. I called the kid this morning to find out if we actually had sex. I tell him, "I didn't want to have sex with anyone last night." He says, "Yeah, well, stuff happens. We used protection." I am so angry with myself, and I am angry at him. I dug through my garbage this morning to find the fucking condom to see if it broke. What do you know, it was. I didn't want to hook up with anyone. I wanted to have fun with my friends and play card games and dance. I asked if I needed to get tested for anything. He's all checked out, he says. He's a fucking whore. I hate him. I hate him, and I hate myself for getting so trashed. I was so sick last night, too. I just want to curl up and cry. I feel so disgusting and used and dirty. An then one of my roommates yelled at me this morning because I locked the top latch because, I think, in some small way I was trying to protect myself. Like double locking the door would fix everything. He says he was ringing the doorbell for half an hour. "Don't latch the door unless EVERYONE is home," he said in an angry email. Because, yyou know, instead of acting like a sane person and calling someone's cell phone, he just rang and rang the doorbell. He knows even when we are in the den, no one runs to answer the doorbell unless we are expecting someone. He didn't think to call someone's cell phone the moment he realized that, maybe, the doorbell doesn't ring in the upstairs bedrooms. ETA: Even my horoscope mocks me. Yes, you have right on your side. There is a problem, however -- your opponent is just as certain that the forces of good are with them. Could it be that both of your arguments have some merit? Hmmm

Friday, March 30, 2007

118. More Power

Haha, I love this:
Hi Leighann,

Have you started to e-mail groups about attending this event? I'd
really like you for you to take charge of this project. You don't have
to go door-to-door to speak to people anymore, since it seems that I'm
able to convince more people to sign up (no offense or anything), so
I'd appreciate it if you can step up and get the student groups to
agree to come, and we REALLY need to start planning soon so we have at
least one week to advertise to the general public.

Thanks.

Lauren
I'm not going to argue. The event is my baby anyway. And if she thinks this switch is her own idea, all the power to her Before I received that, I sat in the student office for an hour making sure I got everything set. Booyah. Now I am gonna go shave my legs and get ready for the party tonight.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

117. Okay

Ugh, I want to kill the psychobitch. She's *at* me for not doing my share because, of course, putting my neck on the line to organize and event and contacting people and making that event happen on campus at minimum cost is not nearly as important as running around the dorms I can't get into because I don't live on campus and work three days a week to talk to kids who don't want to listen to me because I am not a particularly strong public speaker. Ask me to weedle my way out of a tricky situation on the spot, I can do it. Ask me to prepare a speech with given information, I'm a fucking dear in headlights. I trip over words, I mispronounce them, and I am too damn nice to push harder. I can sell $300 jewelry to old Russian ladies and an expensive microscope to a couple, but I can't convinvely repeat a prepared speech. Go figure? I'd like to say because it's not my material. I'd like to note that these aren't my words, and I don't do well when my equal acts like my superior and criticizes everything I say and nitpicks and acts like a total bitch. But I can't because, you know, that is shifting the blame. Obviously, it is my fault I can't convince 60 people like she did in a single hour. And, lord knows, it's my fault my friend the editor won't cover our project. I said he was my friend, we have an added in. I did not say he was my whoreslave to cater to my every whim. Yes, it is disapointing that he decided not to run the article, but don't call him my "friend" in apostrophes because you somehow doubt the closeness of our relationship. I love this kid, he is hilarious, and I am certainly closer to him than I ever will be to you. This is the kid who had to call me and inform me that one of my friends died because he was writing a story on it in the paper, and he had to ty to console me over the telephone because I didn't know. This kid is an amazing reporter, and now a brilliant editor. Don't reduce him to quote marks because things don't go your way. I believe that, in the scheme of things, everything tends to work out. And it does. Shitty things happen. That's that. This bitch has no idea what I do to survive each day. She has no idea how close I am to losing my job, losing my scholarship. And I have no idea what goes on in her life. But things are pretty good for me, and they will work out, and I will be okay. This project will be okay. But some people aren't happy with okay.

Friday, March 23, 2007

116. It's all fun and games

until someone gets sick in the shower. Bleghhh. I'm not allowed to down a cartoon of icecream before drinking anymore. And why did I think a drunk shower would be a good idea? Iiii wish I was legal. Hmm, just to add: I totally pwned at that business panel. The Communications girl totally had a great question that the hot venture capitalist that looked like Chase from House and sounded like him too answered. And he was all "That is a very true observation, you are absolutely right," before answering. Booyah, business kids. Booyah. I'm gonna go curl up in my robe on the couch and think about Chase/Hot-Venture-Capitalist now.

115. Oil Spills

Wasted away my whole morning watching Judging Amy before I had to go to this venture capitalist panel, which was actually kinda neat. Got hit on by an Indian boy, sophmore in the management school. Haha, I was teasing Katy before I left, "Do I look hot? Will the management kids want a piece of this?" I went to Shaws afterward and gotdinner and eggs and ice cream. Yum. I felt delightfully shallow when I was waiting on line because I got hit on again in line, and then a boy on the bus home checked me out. Katy's friend came from home to visit, so the two of them went out to the clubs. Before they left, we drank oil spills (goldschlager and jager, yum!) Party next week. I'm excited. I want to get trashed and dance with a pretty boy. Yay!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

114. Naptime

uuugh, my uterus hates me. It's taken to thrashing about in my abdomen. I left campus early today so I could come home, down a bottle or too of advil, and sleep until dance team practice later. Speaking of which, we will be practicing with a conference or something going on in the other half of the gym. That's fun. Wonder how we'll play our music... I'm gonna take a nap.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

113. Earthworms and Earwax

Long day at work, but it was fun. I worked on the book section, and it looks hot. Very full, very attractive. I win at life. Still hate my job, but it was fun today. Slow except for school groups. We fooled around toward the end of the day eating Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans. I ate dirt and earwax. Dirt was so cool--there were like sand grains in it, but it was just sugar, and it tasted like potting soil. Ewwwww. Then earwax tasted...weird. Sweet, but I gagged on it immediately. So neat. Haha. Ryan ate vomit, earthworm, and booger. Hahaha. It was too funny. Got home today and made some pasta and sausage. Yum. I think I'll be going to bed early, after I watch some American Idol.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

112. Classy

Long, long day of classes today. More psychobitch aggrivation. But, hey, we're getting this project done and we'll get paid and that will be the end of it. I need some sleep. Work tomorrow. Blegh.

Monday, March 19, 2007

111. Psychodrama

Ugh. When did I think that working with Lauren-the-Psycho on a project would be a good idea? She is a backstabbing know-it-all twit. We are not in competition, and the niceties of our work mean nothing in comparison of the final outcome, so why on earth does she think that one-upping me is a good idea? And knocking down my share of the work? And letting me post something she knew had a mistake in it only to publicly correct me later? I always use "we" to describe our work, even when I can take full credit. If we have the image of a *team* we look a lot better than two-people-on-the-same-project. I am smarter than her. I am far more creative. I am also more likely to share *everything* that comes to mind, good ideas and bad. Does it mean I am stupid because I know that sometimes, bad ideas can spark great ones? But...she's not a big picture kind of psycho. She's a "We have to catch the train right now or I will glare at you because you didn't run, raise your heartrate and trip" kind of twit. She actually says to me, "Hold the door open [on the train] if you get there first." Like I would let it shut on her face and leave without it? Well...her mind came up with the idea. I certainly think that says a lot about her. She's a nice girl, just a backstabbing twit. (And I really don't want to see that condescending face when another friend talks about how she got out of a sticky situation with a boy when drunk. Yeah, maybe you're too smart to ever get taken advantage of, but that gives you no right to look at her like that. To look at anyone like that. You're as much of a drunken slut as the rest of us, but I guess things have been a lot fairer for you.)

Sunday, March 18, 2007

110. Yum Yum Egg Sandwich

Mmm...I had an egg sandwich on a croissant for dinner and it was delicious. Work today was fairly uneventful. I stocked and hid in the basement from the noisy boyscouts and thier cranky mothers. At around two I went upstairs to ring, dealth with the worst customers ever. They wanted thier discounts and they wanted them now--and we've been getting secret shoppers so I had to be ever so cheerful to everyone, including the bitch who knocked a mug off my counter and didn't bother to pick it up while I rang up her 20-plus postcards. Ugh. But work made me feel better. My coworkers are hilarious. I still hate my job, but i adore my coworkers. Almost had a breakdown this morning, just didn't want to get out of bed and face the day. I need to talk to someone about that incident in November, but I can't go to any school counselors. I don't want to go on medication--but something must be wrong if I am so exhausted with even nine hours of sleep, when I do sleep. When I don't, I just lay in bed and think. I've started clenching my jaws at night, and it hurts my teeth. My school is notoriously bad about helping students in crisis, especially female students. Their policy is to get the students off campus and away from their peers, and they encourage semester leaves. Ugh. I'm fine. I just want to talk to someone who won't sit there and tll me that, inevitably, it was my fault. And just about everyone in my life right now will do that. Two of my girlfriends who won't have issues of thier own, and they don't need mine on top of theirs. And that is an absolutely illogical train of thought. I guess it boils down to that I'm not ready to talk to the people I know just yet. But I got a postcard in the mail today. Yay. :)

Saturday, March 17, 2007

109. old entries

Reading through old journal entries and realizing how much you love your friends and roommates, even if they are occasionally complete dickheads, is really, really cool. :) Have work tomorrow. Blegh. I really want to get this new job.

108. Top o' the mornin'

I am a friendslist whore. I was productive yesterday. Applied for about 8 scholarships, started the process on one big one, and worked on a project for class. Will continue working on the project today...when I'm done adding people to my f-list. I can't procrastinate like this, haha. I spoke to Dave last night--one of my "best friends" from middle school. It was nice. I'm glad he still talks to me. The other one won't. Stopped after telling me how he was in a bad car accident and couldn't remember who he was let alone who people he knew ten years ago were. That hurt...a lot. (He wasn't lying--accident was real, and I feel guilty for being a bit selfish.) Katy's not home yet, so I have no one to drink with and be Irish! I hope she gets home before dark--I want to find a party! Happy St. Pat's! (And, yes, I am Irish!)

Friday, March 16, 2007

107. Mmm, beany and delicious!

Arrived back in Beantown today. Who actually calls Boston Beantown besides tourists and television tourguides? Went in for my job interview. Cross your fingers for me. I really want this job. Now I am applying for scholarships and waiting for Katy to get home. So pathetic.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

106. If you wanna be my lova!

Hee! katy and I went to kareoke withnher new boy-thing. it was so much fun. So trashed. Paid for one beer (and tip!) got like 6 or 7. I ,ost count. Sang three times.Dont remeber what I sang. Summer loving, Love Shack, Wannabe, I think---all with the couplethat sat next to us. Ammmmazing. Katy sang too, even though shy. Sam Afams whitelager sooo good. Yum. p/s. My face is numb, lol ooh! double ps: Got hit on my reaaaal;ly cute asian boy. The he got bored because katy and me were like five drinks in, way too trahed to be classy girls. Haha. Glad no boys tonight, just singing and drinking. Katy's boy is stayihng over. He EMCed kareoke, and drove uas to and from bar. Good driver, nice boy. Mkaes me think of Lance bass but straight. Hope Katy sticks with him and he is good to her. Hope I find nice boy. :)

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

105. Junkie

I am a friendlist junkie. :) I know I don't always respond to my f-list, but I do read them. I love hitting the "Random Journal" button and adding new friends. In other news, Katy and I are looking for apartments. Blegh.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

104. I don't believe in regret.

I skipped out on a party last night. I wanted to go, but part of me was terrified I'd do something I'd regret. I never regretted things before. What's wrong with me?

Friday, March 2, 2007

103. Fluffy Pillows

My room is messy again. Blah. But I redid my bed, so it's all fluffy and neat. I have a down comforter, and it's amaaaaazing. Everyone should have one. Going out to dinner with the crew tonight. Should be fun.