Saturday, February 17, 2007

100. Black Bean Brownies

I made black bean brownies today. They're actually rather good. Not as fudgy as brownies, and a little dry, but as far as flourless food goes, they're the best I've tasted. Better than nasty vegan brownies, anyway. I'm starting to come to terms with the nature of my and Henry's thing. I'm not a bitter, dumped girl. As far as anything goes, I'm the one who stopped called and responding to emails. That said, now that I am out, I'm not blinded by the idea that I could use him to show off, prove to my family I wasn't lesbian, and show my friends that yes, boys like me. And I am very, very upset with myself, because that's exactly what I did. Because if I did that, I didn't have to admit anything else. I could pretend I was in control. I could pretend I was the one using him. Most of all, I could pretend I wasn't so trashed that first night that I can hardly remember what happened. I could omit the fact that I said, "I don't want to have sex with you. We're not having sex--I am too drunk." I feel really, really ashamed, and really really hurt, because beyond the internet, I really can't talk about this. I built up such a pretty picture to my friends, I am terrified if I say anything they will think I am just acting like a scorned girlfriend. I was never a girlfriend. I never pretended to be to anyone, and I never thought of myself as one. I was so trashed that night. And I wish my friends tried harder to stop me. But they just watched and encouraged me, because they were trashed too. And if the situation was reversed, I probably would have done the same. I don't have a name for what happened. I don't think I ever will give it one. But I just needed to share this, before I start believing my own lies. Huh. For an entry about brownies, this sure turned depressing. I don't regret very many things. I believe you can learn from every experience. But I regret this.

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