Friday, November 9, 2007

153. I am a terrible person

I saw Catherine on the street today. She saw me, she buried her nose in a packet she was reading and pretended not to see me. It would seem she is more terrified of me than I am at her. But the kicker? She is fat. Not curvy, not healthy, she is chipmonk cheek unhealthy fat and it does not look good on her whatsoever. Don't deny it, if you saw someone who betrayed you in the worst possible way and she had gained a gross amount of weight in her face and a beer belly, you would be more than pleased. I was a little disapointed that she didn't say anything, because I was totally prepared to take the high road, respond minimally and carry on with my day. But, hey, she is *terrified* of me and fat. This pleases me, especially with recent developments. The young woman who interviewed me for her video projact called me the other day. Apparently, even though I had taken huge pains NOT to reveal his identity or anyone's for that matter, her professor needs her to get a statement from the guy. I am very uncomfortable with this. At the sametime, I want this story out there, and I don't want the girl to fail her class. I pointed her in the right direction, but I made it very very clear how scared I was of retaliation. Apparently, she just needs to make an attempt to contact him and at least get a "Could not be reached" or "refused to comment." So..yeah. I am feeling better about it now, and I know I can call 911 if he or his friends try to contact me, so that's good. But seeing Catherine and not having her explode in a fit of accusations, that is a huge relief.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

152. Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner

The past two weeks have been absolutely insane. I've had a lot of tough decisions to make, and I feel like time is just rushing by, waving as it passes me in that bullet car from Mario Kart. I haven't gone to any of my classes this week, I'm such a mess. But things are starting to look up. I've decided to stop the Law School application process--that can wait and I don't need to be so stubborn. I don't need an acceptance letter from my dream law school to "win." I've already won because I am back at school and I'm making new friends and people like me and I am speaking about what happened and people think I am brave. So, yeah. I win. But I've still be so stressed. I slept peacefully without a sleep aid for the first time last night in two weeks. I've just had so much on my plate--I am gonna take it easy tomorrow though. Go to class, but not worry that I may not all have the reading done. I can work on it a little this weekend and I think I am focusing more, so that's good. That's what the problem's been. I haven't been able to focus on reading because my mind would wander to thoughts about what happened and my former friends and the lies and betrayal and, ugh, I've just had enough of them. I have better friends who get me and are an amazing support system and I am really...proud of them. They are good people, and they are good to me. Lily and Ashley dragged me out to see Sweeney Todd last night, and I am so glad they did. Not only was the play amazing, but I had a blast with them. We dressed up for the holiday; I wore a white dress and was Baby from Dirty Dancing. It was a good night. Very different from the weekend before. Ugh, such a mess. I just collapsed from all the pressure and stress and hearing from an academic advisor that my grades aren't high enough to get into the schools I want to get into and then getting lied to about weekend events and too much work due on Monday, I just completely broke down. The parents wanted me to come home, and for a few days, I really did too. But I want my degrees so much, and I can do this. I have spoken to a couple of my professors and my counselor and the Dean of my college, and I have options, and that means a lot. No matter what I decide to do, I can finish my degree, and that is good. I think I am gonna stick out the semester, and I am so relieved that my professor in my 500-level has been so supportive. I only today told him about what happened, and he has offered three different options so I can finish the class or take an I or, if need be, take a W. So, wow. So relieved. But I need to get my butt in gear and try and get some reading done tonight. I think I can, so I am looking forward to it. :) Side note: I may need to create a database for all the names I use in here, haha.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

151. This is Halloween

I worked on my Halloween costume this weekend, finished it earlier this afternoon. It's so cute. I am gonna be a can-can girl. Now all I need is a blue boa, and I will be all set. Sara invited me to a halloween party, so I have that lined up this weekend. I am looking forward to it. So much studying ahead of me, though. Bleghhh.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

150. Happy 150?

A horrid little part of me is absolutely ecstatic on all the drama going on at my old apartment. The halloween party I was snubbed from isn't happened at all because those kids can't get their act together. Apparently, Jay and Catherine made party plans without informing the rest of the house--which they have done before, too. Not cool, alienates everyone else. Then Chuck wanted to have the party the next weekend because his brother was coming up, but no one else wanted the party that weekend, so there was fighting and no one could agree on a date so they aren't having a party at all. :D I know it's childish, but I just want to point my finger at all them and go, "HAHAHAHAHAHA!" In all caps, just like that. I was talking to Katy today, and apparently because of all this, Catherine and her new little replacement friend Lori hate Chuck now too--and who hates Chuck? He is such a sweetheart. But now they hate me, Katy and Chuck for these ridiculous reasons, and everyone is losing patience with Catherine who has just been showing her ugly side recently. I feel really bad for her...but she still has my book. I can't contact ehr or anything though, even to get my book back, because it would just escalate into an argument where shed accuse me of being a bad friend for making ehr choose between friends because because of the assault and my very gentle warnings about this "friend" she knew for 6 months, 2 years less than she knew me. Ugh. It shouldn't bother me anymore, but it does. I want to see her fail at life as much as I want to see that dirtbag fail. But I know it won't be nearly as satisfying as I picture it to be. Its still fun to picture, though.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

149. Pieces

I know I've been off the map for a while. I've since returned to school, finished up my classes from last semester and earned my scholarship back. Academically, things are looking up. I've started seeing a new counselor through the area crisis services who is absolutely amazing. She's really helping me just wade through my anger and depression and everything. I am still very hurt over Catherine not believing me. I've been "expelled" from that circle of friends. But I have also realized who the people I really value are. Katy's one, and Aaron. They're good to me, and I can't thank them enough for simply believing me and being there. I've become more vocal on campus as far as victim's rights go. I'm not even sure what I'mdoing, but it feels right. I wrote a letter to the editor that started it all, and now I feel like I am the poster child for aquaintance rape. At the same time, the people I am working with are giving me control, so I am not just being swept through. I have ultimate say over what I will do, and I like that. It's good. Today I gave an interview to a journalism student working on a project about assault survivors. I almost started crying on camera. A little part of me is really scared that the wrong people will see it--but those wrong people don't matter. The administration knows my identity, and so does the police, and I have to be upfront when I am applying for law school because a giant chunk of my academia is missing. THere is no one important who I am worried about finding out. So I think I am okay with this. If it helps some girl who watches the video come forward, or it stops some boy from doing something he'll regret, that's okay with me. But a little piece of my is terrified over all this. And I think that is okay, too.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

148. Courageous

I was called courageous. :) I don't know if I can agree, but damn, it's a nice feeling.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

147. Heartbroken

I wrote Catherine an email warning her, reminding her what he did. She ignored it, continued posting photos that I would inevitably see. Infact, she posted photos of a "get-together" just days after I arrived in town. I sent her a quick note that said, "We need to talk." It was very simple, no mention of anything because I felt we needed to talk in person and not trade emails on something this serious. I was hurt by her actions, but moreso I was worried about *her.* This is her response. Dear Leighann, I have a feeling that you want to talk about a certain situation. Even if this is not what you want to talk about...it needs to be discussed. I do not feel comfortable discussing it because what I think may upset you. How I view the situation may make it seem that I am insensitive or callous. However I have thought about it long and hard and I don't want you to doubt that i respect your emotions and what you are going through but I am unsure how to feel at this point. However, I do know that I need to be honest with you about how I feel. You deserve my honesty even though I know my honesty and feelings may test our friendship. i didnt want to discuss this with you on AIM or email or on the phone. From what you told me when it initially happened, I am still unsure as to what exactly occured. I do not feel it is right to automatically take one person's side when both parties involved have been good friends and done many kind gestures. There is so much confussion at this point that makes it hard for me to put all the pieces together. The bottomline and the most important thing that you should take away from this is that I do care about you and I respect your feelings but I do need to be honest with you--I cannot cut off a friendship with one person without that many details and like I said before I did not want to discuss this on email or the phone. I want to discuss this further with you in person so I know the whole story. Catherine This girl broke my heart, and I am not sure if I will ever truly forgive her.

146. Problem-Solving Abilities

Because, of course, the best solution is inviting a rapist who targets drunk women to hang out and play drinking games. And then post photos on facebook. Oh, I am pissed.

Friday, August 24, 2007

145. Letter

I know I am selfish and self-centered, but I don't know how else to be. I want to be there for you, but I can only do my best. I try so fucking hard not to talk about my problems, and Lord knows I have a lot of them, but don't make me feel like I am a heinous, selfish bitch because you're upset over that jerk I warned you about and I have no idea how to console you. You're not the only one, too. I feel like I am driving everyone away because I'm not here. I don't log onto aim half as much. And no, I have not put you on my block list. I really, truly, have not been logging on. I am still depressed. I am still stressed out of my mind. I've put on weight and my self esteem is shot. If you can't be my friend anymore, fine, but stop pretending and lets go on our merry ways. When we see each other in class, we'll be civil, but that's it. I just don't have the fucking energy anymore. I know I have hurt and frustrated a lot of people, and I am so sorry. I don't know what to do--part of me just wants to disappear. I feel like everyone would be a whole lot better off without my mindless chatter to annoy them because, Lord knows, I cna't seem tot alk about anything else without breaking down into a pathetic, sobbing blob. I don't know if I am strong enough to go back to school. I don't know. I warn people not to rely on me. I am not okay. And it hurts so much when they rely on me anyway and I can't live up to their expectations and they are upset. I am SORRY. What do you want me to do? I'm sorry I am not the person I was a year ago. Why can't you take that as it is and move on? I am trying to. I am sorry I am a bad friend. I am sorry I don't know what to say anymore. I am sorry.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

144. Heroes on the halfshell

Heee, the brother and I watched TMNT, which is full of turtle love. I was disapointed they didn't play the theme song, but the movie surpassed expectations. Then the parents and I watched 300, which was amazing, but I loved Sin City, too. Mmmm, I love me some smexy Spartans. The loan issue is looking up. sigh, I just really wish it wasn't an issue to start with.

Monday, August 13, 2007

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! They won't accept my loan. My fucking school where the advisors told me everything would be okay dont worry about your incompletes will not accept my loan, which I got to replace my fucking scholarship, until I finish those incompletes. If I had finished those incompletes, I wouldn't need the fucking loan in the first place!!!!! I hate this. I hate that asshole.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

142. Stardust and Skirt Steak

The sister and I went to see Stardust today. Very cute movie. I am a huge Neil Gaiman fan, and I was very excited to see the film made (and the preview for Beowulf ZOMG Angelina Jolie is so hot). I love how they took the book, but then made a movie about it. Anything that would not translate well to film or that would make the movie move too slow was cute. They found other ways to portray the same ideas, which, really, is all you can ask for from two different media. The actors were well chosen, and I want to have Gaiman's babies. The end. The new Beatles inspired movie looks fantastic too. Across the Universe. And His Dark Materials makes my inner 12 y old go squee. August Rush looks super sweet. And Keri Russel is in it. We got home and I made skirt steak on the grill. I may have lose a few pieces of squash inside the grill, buuut I won't be cleaning them until tomorrow when the coals are cool. I already burned my hand once today, thank you. I used this marinade from Alton Brown, only I replaced one of the spices with curry, and it was amazing. Oh! I totally went shopping in the Whole Foods where Alton shops. Hee. I send Katy photos from my phone, and all was good. ETA: I quit my job a few weeks ago. I just forgot to write about it. I am a nanny no more.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

141. Mariah Carey Sex Music

I am taking a wonderful, relaxing bath, listening to a mix of ska and lilith rock, when out of no where my player startings pumping out this disney magic song. I have no idea how "Do You remember the magic" even got onto my bathtub music, but good lord, anything that you might here on Radio Disney does not make for relaxing and intimate. Haha, on that note, I bet Mariah Carey would make for horrible sex music. Could you imagine being in the throws of passion when... EeeeeeEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeee! Not to say I don't love Ms. Carey's songs. I made rice cooker bread today and completely failed. I altered the recipe for a crock pot and the bread rose wonderfully and seemed to cook wonderfully...until I tried to flip it and found that it was stuck to the bottom. Yes, Leighann forgot to grease her crock pot, which, unlike rice cookers, does not have a non-stick surface. It still taste delicious. I'm getting ready to go back to school. Found out some more of my friends are in the same dorm as me, which is awesome. I keep saying I am gonna start packing now...and then I watch TV instead. Oh, Tivo, how I love thee.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

140. Why, yes, I am alive.

After an extremely stressful month, I finished my final paper and turned it in. Now I just have to take my two finals after the semester starts and, if my GPA holds up, I will get my scholarship back. So...I'm surviving. I visited the cousins in NY a few weeks ago. That was amazing--I grew up with these girls, and I can't believe we haven't seen each other in three years. Sistergirl and I also met the twins, the cousins of the cousins. The twins are adorable, I love them. They are just turned 18 and absolutely sheltered. Their dad is uber religious, but the one twin is a total rebel. She has her bellybutton pierced and her dad doens't know, and she is too excited to go away for college. The other one is far more conservative. Soooo cute.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

139. Dream Sex

Ugh, weird ass dreams today and last night. I woke up this morning feeling like shit--like I was hung over. Skipped out on karate. I don't really know if I will be going back. As much as I enjoy the class, there are two adult males in it who are just really, really weird. I feel so behind, and not good about myself. Anyway, the dreams--one of them was about this kid I knew in high school, Jaime. Jaime had a crush on my for like three years, but I never returned it. The kid was weird, smelled bad...and weird. So I did my best to ignore him in HS. Junior year I cut my hair, and he posts about it in his blog, saying that he doesn'tunderstand why girls cut their hair to make themselves look ugly. Ugh. After that, I never really forgave him for his behavior. Anyway, flash forward to the summer after I return from college. Jaime got a haircut himelf, bulked up from playing sports and didnt smell bad anymore. I wouldn't say I was attracted to him, butI wasn't repulsed by him anymore. It was one of those, "oh..college suited you," type-things. So, anyway, I haven't seen the kid in three years. Last night I have this dream where we realied that we had sex whiledrunk once but neither of us really remembered it, but we knew it was great great sex, just not who it was with. So we decide to have sex again, sober, and it was amazing sex. Like WB Dawson's Creek-Roswell-teendrama amazing fireworks sex. Then I woke up. Ugh. He is such a weird kid. But damn he's dream good in bed. Still haven't heard from Catherine. Have, however, heardfrom Jay, the laziest asshole there ever was. Jay can take a moment to send me an email, but Catherine can't. Niiice.

Monday, July 2, 2007

138. Not cool

I logged onto facebook this morning to find a picture of Catherine and a few other friends hugging and smoozing with the asshole who assaulted me. Not cool. I don't know how I feel right now.

Friday, June 29, 2007

137. Toby

The sistergirl, brother and I went out to see Ratatouille, and we came back with a dog. The poor thing was walking in the street when I almost hit it. I stopped just in time and it went offthe road. About half a mile later me and sister look at each other and decide to turn around. As soon as we stopped the car and turned on the hazard lights, the dog came running up to us. We checked the tags and called animal control only to get voicemail, which I left. Then we had brother climb into the front while I searched for a blanket. The dog, who was named Toby, was so well behaved, sister coaxed him onto the blanket in the back seat and climbed in next to him. He was emacaited, and it looked like he had mange. When we got back to the house, I sent brother in to warn the parents, and my dad came out. We got Toby to eat some wet food and drink water while I dialed every animal control and rescue number I could find. We called the owners, and they didn't even know Toby was missing, so we told them animal control already picked him up. Then we dialed the abuse lines before calling 911 who was able to get us in touch with the right people. Animal control was not pleased about the call. They asked if it could wait until morning. I explained that we had small kids in the house, no enclosed fence and another dog. We wanted to make sure that Toby got help as soon as possible. About an hour later Animal control pulls up and the officer starts talking about how she wants to be in bed. "I hear ya, sister," I say, less than amused. My dad comes out and takes over--he was not amused by her attitude. She tries to tell me that the dog was old and on medication. ... That dog had mange, bugs and was completely emaciated. Dad tells the woman, "Better safe than sorry, right?" and that shuts her up for a bit before she goes on about having just seen this dog today because she was checking up on him. Another person had called in because the dog looked too thin, she says, as though that makes us any more confident in the dogs situation. She explains, "it;s because of the medicine. He is 11 years old." No dog should look like that. If that dog's ownners are 80 years old, maybe they need to be relieved of their pet responsibilities--and they have another dog, too. I know animal control is worked to the bone, and too many dogs are put down every year, but this poor animal was suffering. He was starving. She then also started to say, "why did you stop to pick up a stray?" "Um. I didn't. We all saw the dog had tags." "Why didn't you call the owners?" "We did. They didn't know he was missing." "Didn't they offer to pick him up?" "We already had called you guys. And, Jesus Christ, look at him!" Ugh. humans are disgusting. When I have my own place, I am adopting a shelter dog. Maybe two.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

136. On Victim Blaming

It enrages me that people can tell a young women that she HAS to go forward to the police after an assault, and then when I step up and say,"No. She doesn't. It is scary, and she needs to make the right choice for her. When someone tells a survivor that she or he should go to the police, it is victim blaming, not matter how good the intentions," those same people turn on me and tell me I have no idea what I am talking about, that this girl HAS to at least think of future victims, that she HAS to do something to get this guy in jail. NO NO NO NO NO! THe only thing she has to do is take care of herself, you assholes.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

135. Assholes

When I am a bigshot corporate lawyer, I will set aside time and money to do pro bono cases against these assholes who think that rape, assault and molestation are perfectly acceptable behaviour. One of my longtime friends was sexually assaulted on her way to class outside a fucking police school!

134. Nanny Diaries

I nannied today. The boys were so full of engery, it was insane. We were Pirate-Bear-Ninjas or something, but I was also the zookeeper. Lol. Actually getting to work was insane itself. The cleaners were supposed to come today, and when they didn't come in the morning, I assumed they wouldn't come at all. Wel! As I was grabbing my stuff to go to work, Julio pops his head in and says, "Helllooo?" The dog goes batshit and runs around the house barking ehr head off. I drop my stuff and have to corral her--and she is 85 pounds of puppy energy. Finally, I get her slight;y less crazy and Julio and his team come in when the sistergirl finally decides to come downstairs because she was napping upstairs. Grumpily, she helps me get the dog in the basement where she and the bro are going anyway because she hides when the cleaners come. I think I am free to go to ork when *dingdong* the grandparents arrive, and I have to corral them into the basement too. finally, I steal away to finish getting my stuff together, call Jenny and tell her I am running late and get in the car. Wow. I got home 45 minutes ago and I can't wait to go to sleep.

Monday, June 25, 2007

133. Outrage

This is outrageous and disgusting: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/6237480.stm What moral dilemma? It wouldn't matter if the girl flashed those men and said, "want to try this?" She was TEN! Ugh. I cannot believe that judge. More: http://www.yelp.com/redir?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.news.com.au%2Fstory%2F0%2C23599%2C21969117-2%2C00.html Discussion at http://community.livejournal.com/vaginapagina/10779556.html

132. Sick?

I was so sick yesterday. It was so weird. At around 3 I just went to bed--didn't wake up until 9, watched tv and went back to bed at around midnight. Rawr, i think it's a bug that is just going around the house, because today my mom and brother were sick too. Cleaned my room today. I have been sleeping in the basement because it's colder and darker, but I still shower upstairs, and somehow I had managed to cover the floor upstairs in a layer of clothing. It was really funny if it weren't such a huge mess. I need to get going on my paper. I feel so blegh about it. No work until Wednesday--w00t.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

131. Relaxing

Went to the library today and got the brother a library card. Convinced him that the summer reading program is a great idea--He needs to read anyway, and now he'll get prizes for it. Tried to study, got one chapter in. I made baked ziti for dinner tonight, and now I am just relaxing, watching some Law and Order and perusing craigslist.

Monday, June 18, 2007

130. Breakup

Anna's boyfriend dumped her after two years. It's insane. They really seemed like a good match--like they would the ones for each other. I'm friends with both sides, and I really hope they can remain friends, but whatever is best for Anna. She's working an insane schedule right now (TWO neaqrly full-time jobs? What was she thinking...) We'll see how it goes when I get back to school

Sunday, June 17, 2007

129. On craigslist

I am reading through the posts on craigslist. I love this site. I can't say I've never made my own post just to get responses and show them off to my girlfriends, but... Haha, I love this site. There are so many sugardaddy posts. Katy and I were talking about how we want sugardaddies to buy us stuff and takes us on cruises and vacations around the world. The missed connections posts always make me a little sad, though. Chances are, that person will never see the post, and it's a little sad that we will never know what happened to any of these people. But then...there are the sugar daddy posts. Oh, CL.

128. Le jouer des peres

I bet my french is way off. Today was nice. I forgot I had said I would make breakfast, so when Mom came downstairs and asked when I was planning on waking up because she was hungry, I was very confused (and in the middle of another weird dream). Woke up and made french toast, which was very tasty. The puppy caused her normal chaos and all was good. The brother was playing the sims, so I went downstairs and made all the characters into our family, which was funny. He played that for a while before we went to our grandparent's house for dinner. Overall, it was a really good day.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

127. Wee Sing

I have never seen a child so filled with poo. Anxious because he's been without mom for the past few days, little child #1 has not defecated for the entire time his grandmother has been her. Finally, Leighann arrives to the rescue and he decides it's okay to poo now. Only, we've been having pee problems the past couple weeks--Child is potty trained at 2, but still has accidents, and he doesn't like to interupt fun games to go to the bathroom until it is too late. So, most of out activities are littered with, "Let's go potty now! Do you want to go potty now?" "No..." "Let's go anyway!" "Okay." etc. Child ended up going through five, yes, five, pairs of undies today. And we sang. Oh, we sang the alphabet, because singing makes potty-time twice as much fun. Have you ever heard of the movie Wee Sing in Sillyvile? I thought not. No one has. I have this one VHS copy from when I was a kid. My dad got it bootlegged off a work friend. It is the greatest children's movie ever. It is the one movie that these two boys will sit through and watch, silent as can be. I love it. Child #2 says to me, "You have to bring it every time you babysit because it is my favorite." Then teenager #3 does the most adorable thing ever: He cooks dinner for his girlfriend. He set a table outside and lit candles. It was so sweet. Kudos on this kid.

Friday, June 15, 2007

126. Weird Dream

I had the strangest dream last night. I was at school, only it was the school where I took the LSAT. I was all ready for a couple of classes, including spanish, when I found out they were way too hard. The spanish teacher wanted us to write paragraphs in spanish, and I tried to answer, but I still got a C, destroying myGPA and scholarship. That was fun to wake-up to. I helped my brother tie-dye a few t-shirts this morning before going off to nanny. Tomorrow morning I have karate. Exciting.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

125. Funny

I had the day off today so I just hung out at the house and prepared dinner (stir-fry, yum!). I am back to work tomorrow taking care of the boys. It's a little weird, their grandma is here for the weeked to watch them, but the parents still want me to keep to the normal schedule. I met grandma on Wednesday, and she seemed to like me, but as the mom explained how I would still be coming over, her eyebrows went up--seems she wasn't aware. Lol. The mom told her that she could send me home if she didn't need me, so that's fine. I am wtching a shorts show on MTV. I think it's called Short Circuitz. It's funny. :) ETA: I could really go for some Arby's now. WIll have to pick some up for lunch tomorrow. Yummm.

124. Phonecall

It's always fun to receive a phone call from a cheerful young woman from the hospital informing me I owe $100 for the emergency room visit when I was previously informed that I was not responsible for any costs because in the cases of rape, the state pays the difference. I just really, really didn't want to get that phone call.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

123. Calm

Had a nice day today. Daddy left some money for me to take the sistergirl and brother to this miniature golf place near us. I read on the website that the bro could get some tokens for his report card, so we hunted that down and off we went. They ended up giving the kid 40 tokensfor his A's--it was pretty sweet. He had fun, and we spent a good part of the day between the golf courses and the arcade. me and my sister, we're such dorks at miniature gold, haha. Came home and relaxed for a couple hours bfore heading out to dance class. I am taking a dance class over the summer at my studio on the condition I take a self defense class, too. Fun. Colbert is on with Tommy Chong. Oh, hilarity. I love it. LSAT went well yesterday, btw. Here's hoping for a 180!

Saturday, June 9, 2007

122. Whirlwind

The last few months have been a complete whirlwind. I'm getting better, slowly, but I till have a lot to work through--most of which being with feeling betrayed by a couple of friends. On the other hand, I've found out that I am some pretty amazing friends who I previously took for granted. I am going to start writing again, but entries may be irregular for a little while. I'll be taking the LSAT Monday. Go me. I am so insanely stressed over it, haha.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

121. Attention Whore

Ugh, slept until 3 today. Was absolutely miserable. I didn't actually get to bd until 5 in the momrning because I couldn't sleep. Instead, I read the missed connections posts on craigslist. I'm a winner, eh? When I finaly did get up, I had a horrible headache. When with mom to drop off the sistergirl at her dorm, but only after playing the worlds greatest game of monopoly ever. My little brother, who we would convince to give us the best properties in trades, won. He got all the utilities, ransportation and the entire first row of properties which he put hotels on so if you landed on a light blue space, you had to pay him $450. It was hilarious. He won so much money. Meanwhile, me and sistergirl had monopolies all across the board with one measely little house on each. Yesterday, we went to some museum thing. I was going to meet my friend Ryan there because she was working that day, but she had to go home last minute. But me, sistergirl and the boy had fun anyway. Tomorrow I go to a counselor. I'm dreading it. I have nothing to say. But if I don't go, everyone and the world will be naging me to call hotlines and crisis centeres and, Jesus Christ, I don't want to hear about it anymore. I hate all of this. But if the tiniest little things like my dad changing the channel while I am watching something can set me off, I guess I do need counseling. I was bawling about my birthday yesterday, because I had all these great plans for it, but now they're gone down the John because I won't be up at school and I'll be spending my miserable twenty-first at home. Well, lord knows I shouldnt have said anything. One friend tried to console me by telling me how miserable his birthdays already are. Yeah, thanks buddy. I don't want pity, and I don't want presents. I just want to be with my college friends, and no one seems to get that. Well, you could do this instead, they say--I don't want to hear that. I'm allowed to be selfish and wish for a party that's all about me, right? But I am not ready to be back in Boston. My parents sure as hell wouldn't let me fly up there for my birthday. But I want to be able to order a drink surrounded by the college kids who have been my friends for the past three years. I want to be with that crowd. I have so many amazing friends from all around the world, and they have been so good to me, but I can't tell them that I don't want their sympathy for this. THis...this is about something that I need to experience with my college friends. And now...I don't get the chance to. I'm absolutely miserable because of it. I love my family, but all I can think about is how when I turn twenty one, I will be home. No party, no clubs, no friends. All the people here, sure, tehy're my friends...but they haven't known me in three years. If I said anything to Ryan, I know she would make it her goal to give me the greatest turning-21 experience ever...but she would be the only one that I would really know. I know all her friends, but not well. So please, excuse me while I wallow in self pity. I just don't want to hear from people any mroe that one great friend is priceless, blah blah blah. I know all that. But it doesn't change that for my 21st I don't get to go to the clubs I am familair with, and I don't get to be surrounded by my friends. I want to be the center of attention, and for fucks sake, don't I deserve at least that?

Friday, April 20, 2007

120. Record

I haven't written in a long time, but I haven't really felt like it. I didn't want to compromise any legal ongoings. I think we're done with that, and no names are mentioned, so I reopened 119. To the best of my memory, this was what has happened. Cut for triggering. It's mostly for my own record, ayhow. On Sunday, April 1, instead of walking into the store I work at, I crossed the street and walked into a Massachusetts State police station. I intended only to asked, "If a young women reports a rape, but she was drinking at the time, can she be charged with underage drinking? Can ehr friends be chracged with supplying alcohol to a minor?" I didn't get past the first few words before I started bawling. The officer took me in the back and asked me if I was talking about myself and if I wanted to report an assault--I didn't have to. I told her everything. She called my city's police and two detectives came over. I told them my story again. The first officer couldn't find any tissues, so she got me a roll of toilet tissue. I rode in the back seat of a police car for the first time in my life. The detectives took me to the hospital, and the older detective offered to talk me inside and explain the situation to the nurse. I wanted him to. A rape kit is the most humiliating thing I have ever experienced. You dont get to leave the room. If you need to pee, you have to do it in a commode, and the nurse has to be in the room. They cut your hair. They comb your body. They take your clothes. But I already changed, I told them, so they let me keep my clothes. It was just my work uniform, anyhow. They gave me antibiotics and shots and it was terrible. I never threw up, but I felt sick for a long time. I kept calling Katy, and finally I got through and she came to the hospital as fast as she could and all I could do was cry. She didn't know I was planning on reporting. Finally, the detectives from the Special Victims Unit came. Their unit wasn't realy called that, but I can't remember what the name really was. I told them my story for a fourth time, the third being when I told the nurse. They took the rape kit and left. Katy drove me home. It was 4:30. I had been at the hospital since 10:15, I walked into the state police station at 8:10. I went to bed and didn't wake up until 9 the next morning. I called out of work again, and the new assistant manager sounded pissed. Fuck him. I stared at my phone for another half hour before I figured out how to tell my mom. She and my dad dropped everything and caught the next flight up. I slept for the rest of the day until they arrived. When they got here, I went with them to the hotel and spent the night there. We watched PPV and ate pizza, and me and my mom went to pick it up and the pizza guy let us have a free 2 L. bottle of soda. I didn't tell anyone but Katy, and I know a lot of my friends were worried and I am really sorry about that. The next week didn't feel real--I was in and out of offices, laying in the hotel bed watching TV while my dad made phone calls, making phone calls myself. We finally got an appointment with the DA. I went and told them what happened again. They decided that we wouldn't be able to pursue anything because even though I was drunk and blacking out, I was not drunk enough accourding to MA law. In addition, even though I said no and even though witnesses can attest that I didn't like the guy, I also didn't shout for help or scream. It didn't help that I remembered getting the condom, although they thanked me for my honesty. They did tell me that even though they won't press charges, the kid's name is in the system. If he ever pulls anything like this again, they'll have all the more evidence against him. I hate him. I'm home now with my parents for the rest of the semester. I don't want to go back to the apartment. I don't want to be around people. I quit both my jobs. I've barely started on any classwork, but they're letting me finish the semester. I want to forget all of this--I wish it never happened. I hate him, and I hate myself for getting so piss drunk. My friends have been good to me. Most of them. I know who is worth keeping, at least. I'm safe now, too. My body is all checked out, any tests came back negative and I am not pregnant. That's a plus, right? But everyone is breathing down my neck to get counseling, call crisis numbers, blah blah blah. I made an appointment, isn't that enough? I'm not comfortable on the phone. Even with my best friend, I can't have long conversations because Id rather be there in person and not need to fill in silence. Silence over the telephone is creepy. But speaking of my friend, we reconnected and I get to see her soon and I miss her so much and she is too good to me. A lot of people aretoo good to me. Thank you.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

119. Slut

What's wrong with me? I did it again. I drank so much, half my night is gone. I found out later I had sex with a boy who I am absolutely repulsed by. I'm not attracted to him, and I think he is a dirtbag. I'm sure I told him I didn't want to have sex. I didn't even want to kiss him. I sat down on the couch and all of a sudden we were making out and I feel so sick and disgusting and I don't know what to do with myself. Katy and I went grocery shopping today and we stopped in the pharmancy. I bought Plan B. I called the kid this morning to find out if we actually had sex. I tell him, "I didn't want to have sex with anyone last night." He says, "Yeah, well, stuff happens. We used protection." I am so angry with myself, and I am angry at him. I dug through my garbage this morning to find the fucking condom to see if it broke. What do you know, it was. I didn't want to hook up with anyone. I wanted to have fun with my friends and play card games and dance. I asked if I needed to get tested for anything. He's all checked out, he says. He's a fucking whore. I hate him. I hate him, and I hate myself for getting so trashed. I was so sick last night, too. I just want to curl up and cry. I feel so disgusting and used and dirty. An then one of my roommates yelled at me this morning because I locked the top latch because, I think, in some small way I was trying to protect myself. Like double locking the door would fix everything. He says he was ringing the doorbell for half an hour. "Don't latch the door unless EVERYONE is home," he said in an angry email. Because, yyou know, instead of acting like a sane person and calling someone's cell phone, he just rang and rang the doorbell. He knows even when we are in the den, no one runs to answer the doorbell unless we are expecting someone. He didn't think to call someone's cell phone the moment he realized that, maybe, the doorbell doesn't ring in the upstairs bedrooms. ETA: Even my horoscope mocks me. Yes, you have right on your side. There is a problem, however -- your opponent is just as certain that the forces of good are with them. Could it be that both of your arguments have some merit? Hmmm

Friday, March 30, 2007

118. More Power

Haha, I love this:
Hi Leighann,

Have you started to e-mail groups about attending this event? I'd
really like you for you to take charge of this project. You don't have
to go door-to-door to speak to people anymore, since it seems that I'm
able to convince more people to sign up (no offense or anything), so
I'd appreciate it if you can step up and get the student groups to
agree to come, and we REALLY need to start planning soon so we have at
least one week to advertise to the general public.

Thanks.

Lauren
I'm not going to argue. The event is my baby anyway. And if she thinks this switch is her own idea, all the power to her Before I received that, I sat in the student office for an hour making sure I got everything set. Booyah. Now I am gonna go shave my legs and get ready for the party tonight.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

117. Okay

Ugh, I want to kill the psychobitch. She's *at* me for not doing my share because, of course, putting my neck on the line to organize and event and contacting people and making that event happen on campus at minimum cost is not nearly as important as running around the dorms I can't get into because I don't live on campus and work three days a week to talk to kids who don't want to listen to me because I am not a particularly strong public speaker. Ask me to weedle my way out of a tricky situation on the spot, I can do it. Ask me to prepare a speech with given information, I'm a fucking dear in headlights. I trip over words, I mispronounce them, and I am too damn nice to push harder. I can sell $300 jewelry to old Russian ladies and an expensive microscope to a couple, but I can't convinvely repeat a prepared speech. Go figure? I'd like to say because it's not my material. I'd like to note that these aren't my words, and I don't do well when my equal acts like my superior and criticizes everything I say and nitpicks and acts like a total bitch. But I can't because, you know, that is shifting the blame. Obviously, it is my fault I can't convince 60 people like she did in a single hour. And, lord knows, it's my fault my friend the editor won't cover our project. I said he was my friend, we have an added in. I did not say he was my whoreslave to cater to my every whim. Yes, it is disapointing that he decided not to run the article, but don't call him my "friend" in apostrophes because you somehow doubt the closeness of our relationship. I love this kid, he is hilarious, and I am certainly closer to him than I ever will be to you. This is the kid who had to call me and inform me that one of my friends died because he was writing a story on it in the paper, and he had to ty to console me over the telephone because I didn't know. This kid is an amazing reporter, and now a brilliant editor. Don't reduce him to quote marks because things don't go your way. I believe that, in the scheme of things, everything tends to work out. And it does. Shitty things happen. That's that. This bitch has no idea what I do to survive each day. She has no idea how close I am to losing my job, losing my scholarship. And I have no idea what goes on in her life. But things are pretty good for me, and they will work out, and I will be okay. This project will be okay. But some people aren't happy with okay.

Friday, March 23, 2007

116. It's all fun and games

until someone gets sick in the shower. Bleghhh. I'm not allowed to down a cartoon of icecream before drinking anymore. And why did I think a drunk shower would be a good idea? Iiii wish I was legal. Hmm, just to add: I totally pwned at that business panel. The Communications girl totally had a great question that the hot venture capitalist that looked like Chase from House and sounded like him too answered. And he was all "That is a very true observation, you are absolutely right," before answering. Booyah, business kids. Booyah. I'm gonna go curl up in my robe on the couch and think about Chase/Hot-Venture-Capitalist now.

115. Oil Spills

Wasted away my whole morning watching Judging Amy before I had to go to this venture capitalist panel, which was actually kinda neat. Got hit on by an Indian boy, sophmore in the management school. Haha, I was teasing Katy before I left, "Do I look hot? Will the management kids want a piece of this?" I went to Shaws afterward and gotdinner and eggs and ice cream. Yum. I felt delightfully shallow when I was waiting on line because I got hit on again in line, and then a boy on the bus home checked me out. Katy's friend came from home to visit, so the two of them went out to the clubs. Before they left, we drank oil spills (goldschlager and jager, yum!) Party next week. I'm excited. I want to get trashed and dance with a pretty boy. Yay!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

114. Naptime

uuugh, my uterus hates me. It's taken to thrashing about in my abdomen. I left campus early today so I could come home, down a bottle or too of advil, and sleep until dance team practice later. Speaking of which, we will be practicing with a conference or something going on in the other half of the gym. That's fun. Wonder how we'll play our music... I'm gonna take a nap.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

113. Earthworms and Earwax

Long day at work, but it was fun. I worked on the book section, and it looks hot. Very full, very attractive. I win at life. Still hate my job, but it was fun today. Slow except for school groups. We fooled around toward the end of the day eating Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans. I ate dirt and earwax. Dirt was so cool--there were like sand grains in it, but it was just sugar, and it tasted like potting soil. Ewwwww. Then earwax tasted...weird. Sweet, but I gagged on it immediately. So neat. Haha. Ryan ate vomit, earthworm, and booger. Hahaha. It was too funny. Got home today and made some pasta and sausage. Yum. I think I'll be going to bed early, after I watch some American Idol.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

112. Classy

Long, long day of classes today. More psychobitch aggrivation. But, hey, we're getting this project done and we'll get paid and that will be the end of it. I need some sleep. Work tomorrow. Blegh.

Monday, March 19, 2007

111. Psychodrama

Ugh. When did I think that working with Lauren-the-Psycho on a project would be a good idea? She is a backstabbing know-it-all twit. We are not in competition, and the niceties of our work mean nothing in comparison of the final outcome, so why on earth does she think that one-upping me is a good idea? And knocking down my share of the work? And letting me post something she knew had a mistake in it only to publicly correct me later? I always use "we" to describe our work, even when I can take full credit. If we have the image of a *team* we look a lot better than two-people-on-the-same-project. I am smarter than her. I am far more creative. I am also more likely to share *everything* that comes to mind, good ideas and bad. Does it mean I am stupid because I know that sometimes, bad ideas can spark great ones? But...she's not a big picture kind of psycho. She's a "We have to catch the train right now or I will glare at you because you didn't run, raise your heartrate and trip" kind of twit. She actually says to me, "Hold the door open [on the train] if you get there first." Like I would let it shut on her face and leave without it? Well...her mind came up with the idea. I certainly think that says a lot about her. She's a nice girl, just a backstabbing twit. (And I really don't want to see that condescending face when another friend talks about how she got out of a sticky situation with a boy when drunk. Yeah, maybe you're too smart to ever get taken advantage of, but that gives you no right to look at her like that. To look at anyone like that. You're as much of a drunken slut as the rest of us, but I guess things have been a lot fairer for you.)

Sunday, March 18, 2007

110. Yum Yum Egg Sandwich

Mmm...I had an egg sandwich on a croissant for dinner and it was delicious. Work today was fairly uneventful. I stocked and hid in the basement from the noisy boyscouts and thier cranky mothers. At around two I went upstairs to ring, dealth with the worst customers ever. They wanted thier discounts and they wanted them now--and we've been getting secret shoppers so I had to be ever so cheerful to everyone, including the bitch who knocked a mug off my counter and didn't bother to pick it up while I rang up her 20-plus postcards. Ugh. But work made me feel better. My coworkers are hilarious. I still hate my job, but i adore my coworkers. Almost had a breakdown this morning, just didn't want to get out of bed and face the day. I need to talk to someone about that incident in November, but I can't go to any school counselors. I don't want to go on medication--but something must be wrong if I am so exhausted with even nine hours of sleep, when I do sleep. When I don't, I just lay in bed and think. I've started clenching my jaws at night, and it hurts my teeth. My school is notoriously bad about helping students in crisis, especially female students. Their policy is to get the students off campus and away from their peers, and they encourage semester leaves. Ugh. I'm fine. I just want to talk to someone who won't sit there and tll me that, inevitably, it was my fault. And just about everyone in my life right now will do that. Two of my girlfriends who won't have issues of thier own, and they don't need mine on top of theirs. And that is an absolutely illogical train of thought. I guess it boils down to that I'm not ready to talk to the people I know just yet. But I got a postcard in the mail today. Yay. :)

Saturday, March 17, 2007

109. old entries

Reading through old journal entries and realizing how much you love your friends and roommates, even if they are occasionally complete dickheads, is really, really cool. :) Have work tomorrow. Blegh. I really want to get this new job.

108. Top o' the mornin'

I am a friendslist whore. I was productive yesterday. Applied for about 8 scholarships, started the process on one big one, and worked on a project for class. Will continue working on the project today...when I'm done adding people to my f-list. I can't procrastinate like this, haha. I spoke to Dave last night--one of my "best friends" from middle school. It was nice. I'm glad he still talks to me. The other one won't. Stopped after telling me how he was in a bad car accident and couldn't remember who he was let alone who people he knew ten years ago were. That hurt...a lot. (He wasn't lying--accident was real, and I feel guilty for being a bit selfish.) Katy's not home yet, so I have no one to drink with and be Irish! I hope she gets home before dark--I want to find a party! Happy St. Pat's! (And, yes, I am Irish!)

Friday, March 16, 2007

107. Mmm, beany and delicious!

Arrived back in Beantown today. Who actually calls Boston Beantown besides tourists and television tourguides? Went in for my job interview. Cross your fingers for me. I really want this job. Now I am applying for scholarships and waiting for Katy to get home. So pathetic.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

106. If you wanna be my lova!

Hee! katy and I went to kareoke withnher new boy-thing. it was so much fun. So trashed. Paid for one beer (and tip!) got like 6 or 7. I ,ost count. Sang three times.Dont remeber what I sang. Summer loving, Love Shack, Wannabe, I think---all with the couplethat sat next to us. Ammmmazing. Katy sang too, even though shy. Sam Afams whitelager sooo good. Yum. p/s. My face is numb, lol ooh! double ps: Got hit on my reaaaal;ly cute asian boy. The he got bored because katy and me were like five drinks in, way too trahed to be classy girls. Haha. Glad no boys tonight, just singing and drinking. Katy's boy is stayihng over. He EMCed kareoke, and drove uas to and from bar. Good driver, nice boy. Mkaes me think of Lance bass but straight. Hope Katy sticks with him and he is good to her. Hope I find nice boy. :)

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

105. Junkie

I am a friendlist junkie. :) I know I don't always respond to my f-list, but I do read them. I love hitting the "Random Journal" button and adding new friends. In other news, Katy and I are looking for apartments. Blegh.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

104. I don't believe in regret.

I skipped out on a party last night. I wanted to go, but part of me was terrified I'd do something I'd regret. I never regretted things before. What's wrong with me?

Friday, March 2, 2007

103. Fluffy Pillows

My room is messy again. Blah. But I redid my bed, so it's all fluffy and neat. I have a down comforter, and it's amaaaaazing. Everyone should have one. Going out to dinner with the crew tonight. Should be fun.

Monday, February 26, 2007

102. Revelation

I have a really nice butt. Really, that's all I have to say. Addendum: My rear is not for public display. :)

Sunday, February 25, 2007

101. Less Cluttered

I had my wisdom teeth taken out this weekend. Ugggghhh, they hurt. Friday I was a rabid chipmunk--all I could do was drool and gurgle. Yesterday I had a fever of 101.7, that was fun. I've been taking Vicoden and Ibuprofin. My teeth don't hurt all that much anymore, but I really can't eat anything, which is throwing off my diet. Oh, yes, Leigh is still dieting. I do have some will power. I'm happy with my appearance, I'm just not happy that my size seven jeans are a little tight, and two years ago I was a size five. So, I just want to get down to a healthy weight. I like having a little chubs, but I also like my jeans to fit. My mum wants me to be 105. Hah. I want to be 118. That is my goal weight. Twelve pounds to go, but you know, if it takes me the whole semester, that will be okay. Missed my school's production of Vagina Monologues. That's disapointing, but you cna't really argue with a high fever. I'll make sure to go next year. My room is clean, which is nice. Makes me feel less cluttered, a lot calmer. Now I need to get to work on my papers.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

100. Black Bean Brownies

I made black bean brownies today. They're actually rather good. Not as fudgy as brownies, and a little dry, but as far as flourless food goes, they're the best I've tasted. Better than nasty vegan brownies, anyway. I'm starting to come to terms with the nature of my and Henry's thing. I'm not a bitter, dumped girl. As far as anything goes, I'm the one who stopped called and responding to emails. That said, now that I am out, I'm not blinded by the idea that I could use him to show off, prove to my family I wasn't lesbian, and show my friends that yes, boys like me. And I am very, very upset with myself, because that's exactly what I did. Because if I did that, I didn't have to admit anything else. I could pretend I was in control. I could pretend I was the one using him. Most of all, I could pretend I wasn't so trashed that first night that I can hardly remember what happened. I could omit the fact that I said, "I don't want to have sex with you. We're not having sex--I am too drunk." I feel really, really ashamed, and really really hurt, because beyond the internet, I really can't talk about this. I built up such a pretty picture to my friends, I am terrified if I say anything they will think I am just acting like a scorned girlfriend. I was never a girlfriend. I never pretended to be to anyone, and I never thought of myself as one. I was so trashed that night. And I wish my friends tried harder to stop me. But they just watched and encouraged me, because they were trashed too. And if the situation was reversed, I probably would have done the same. I don't have a name for what happened. I don't think I ever will give it one. But I just needed to share this, before I start believing my own lies. Huh. For an entry about brownies, this sure turned depressing. I don't regret very many things. I believe you can learn from every experience. But I regret this.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

099. My legs are purple like blueberries!

I told Katy that I think she beats me when we're drunk. Whenever I go out with her, I come home with bruises in strange places, and I can't remember when or how I got them. On Friday, Katy and I went to Rocky Horror at our university. There was no live show, but there was plenty of cross dressing and debauchery. It was amazing. And I was trashed. I think I took three shots in three minutes, which in retrospect is a terrible idea. But tequila is so lovely. We both wore our undergarments and hooker heels. It was our first time. We looked naked under our coats, and when we were walking to the venue, we got honked at and too drunken men sung to Katy about fishnet stockings. When we got to the theatre, we both hid under our coats like flashers until we saw three boys in dresses. Summer dresses, v. pretty. Katy told me I was really loud. Like, I was talking about people that were five feet away, and I was trying to whisper, but it was such a loud whisper that there was no concealing it. I know I was talking about a tall man with spiky purple hair and then he came over and offered me his hand and called us Dahling! Hee. Then we did the timewarp, and I tripped on toast. Katy and I have been getting closer over the semester. I like her, she's fun. We both have issues. Not too much partying otherwise. The Boys Downstairs had a valentines day party. I went to it for a few minutes. Put on a slinky red dress, got hit on by another gangsta, found Chris and some boy from my history class, then went back upstairs and went to bed. I'm going on a diet tomorrow. I love my body, but I also love my jeans that suddenly feel a bit tight. No plans to drink for the next two weeks due to surgery and whatnot, so I might as well use the time to cut carbs. Guh…I am gonna miss alcohol. Only two weeks, Leigh! Two weeks! I think the Henry-Me thing is done. I haven't bothered talking to him in two weeks, and he hasn't tried to contact me. I'm disapointed, but I can't say I'm all weepy over it. Mostly, I'm disapointed that I won't be getting chocolate and flowers next Wednesday. I'll just have to buy them myself.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

098. Aint nuttin' but a

The party last night was fantastic. We had good music, a great game of beer pong, Kings and Never Have I Ever. It was a good crowd, and I think we made a small profit. I was completely trashed, and I woke up this morning with a "tattoo" on my back. Danny signed me with blue magic marker. Henry sent me a message sometime last night, but I didn't get it until this morning. "After-party at your place?" What a horndog. We had a lot of fun. I danced with and got-molested-by a gay man. I learned really neat—and a little weird—things about my friends. I can't remember most of it, though. And I didn't smoke a cigarette. Three months now, I haven't touched them. Go me. I woke up around ten, not hungover, which is good. I need to do actual work today. Tomorrow I am back in the wonderful world of retail.

Friday, January 19, 2007

097. Yoga Bear

I've started taking yoga classes through the university. The first class was this morning, and I really enjoyed it. The professor explained about stress and how to overcome it—it was neat. Then we actually started breathing techniques and positions. I feel very relaxed. I haven't heard from Henry at all. I'm concerned. I dont know what we have, and I have been telling myself not to get emotionally invested. I'm not, I know he thinks I'm attractive, and that makes me happy. But I am tired of waiting around. I know he is busy with work, but I wish i knew what was going on. If he doesn't want a relationship, okay, then I'll stop waiting. I'm not a particularly honest person, but I'm loyal. As long as I am still tied to him, I won't screw around with another person. And, no, I am not contradicting myself. I told my summer fling that we weren't serious. He wanted more and his ex meddled. I am tired of waiting. Classes began this week. I more or less like my professors. Tonight is our kick-off party. There will be Jello Shots and booze. It's going to be a good year. I have a phone interview with a software company today. Wish me luck!

Friday, January 5, 2007

096. Reflection and that jazz.

Did you know the silver coating that makes mirrors reflect is covered over by a copper coating? Without it, the silver would be easily scratched and ruined. Holidays are going. Spent New Years with the family, tipsy on strawberry margueritas and champagne. I've been sleeping in the past few days and staying up late. I usually have no trouble sleeping, and I am a heavy sleeper, too. For the past few days, unfortunately, I've woken up in the middle of the night multiple times, or I can't sleep until 2 and 3 am, and then I wake up at 6, 8, 10 and finally noon. In the mornings, I just don't want to wake up, but there is too much noise downstairs for me to really sleep. I hope this resolves itself when I am back in Boston. I'm excited to get settled with the new roommates. This'll be an interesting semester--I hope the drama is kept to a minimum. I ordered books today, as well as icecube shot glass trays. Hehe. They're being shipped to my apartment, so Ill have them when I get home. We'll use them for the next party, and it will be awesome. I haven't spoke to Henry much. It's hard, over the internet. I am terrified of being clingy. No one wants to be that clingy girl. What are we even? I don't want to say I'm not attached, but I like him. He must like me. The sex isn't that great. But he likes looking in my eyes. It's really hard for me to keep eye contact. Do you think he notices? I do too. I like the feeling of his arms around me, and I miss it. I miss him. Whats worse, is my friends and family are constantly: How's Henry? How's your boyfriend? He's not a boyfriend. He's a boy...thing. I don't know what he is. But I miss it. I'm such a girl.