Monday, November 20, 2006

085. Laundry List

Ugh! At least I'll own up to my faults, and I should probably stop doing that. The night before last Catherine came in at around two in the morning, sober, and woke me up. She didn't do it on purpose, and I never thought she did, but it was a little inconsiderate. I had work the next day, and I ended up missing my alarm and getting there an hour and a half late. I was pissed. And I had ten hours to stew about it. There I was at work on only a few hours of sleep, exhausted. I came home and bitched about it. That would have been the end of it, but due to a miscommunication (and there are a lot of these around Catherine), her friend shows up unannounced at our house. Catherine is no where in site, and no one can get a hold of her. Another general pattern. Three of us in the house try our best to entertain him, but this is someone else's guest, and he starts getting nasty with us. It goes on for about twenty minutes before we finally do get a hold of Caroline and he leaves to meet her. Well, I certainly wasn't pleased. I am sick, tired and missing out on $12 of pay. Catherine comes home, and here is where I make my mistake: I call her out in front of her friend. I absolutely wanted to embarrass her, and that was wrong, but I was pissed. We are talking about secret santa and she finds out that we are including significant others. I never saw a problem with it, because these kids are our friends and long-term dating our housemantes. I can see why she is upset: She is leaving next semester and wants one last group bonding. Im not into this whole group bonding, and frankly I think its silly that she is so focused on it that now she says she can't be involved because she'll taint it. And dropping out with no explaination won't? No matter what, you are fucking this nice thing up because you can't get over one, last group bonding thing. Yeah, I understand why you want it to be just us, but I think you are pitching a fit when you could just let it slide. Yes, half the house has a significant other and you wish you did to, get over it. So I told her, "you're in no place to negotiate, you know," and I call her out about waking me up. She calls me rude for embarrassing her in front of her friend, and I wish I could take the words back. It did it to be mean, and I still feel like she deserved it, but I know I fucked up. So then I was stuck downstairs while she and her friend laugh. The hours pass, and I can't go to bed because the two of them are in our room and now I am in no place to negotiate. I can't win the argument, if there is one, because no matter what she will twist it around. Shes good at that. So my perfectly legitimate reason for being upset becomes…nothing. "Leighann, I don'tknow what will set you off!" True, but I let so goddamn much slide. Then, I own up to my behaviour. I admit that I hurt my friends. I admit that I will yell at the people I am closer to quicker. Whoops. Shouldn't have said that. She starts in on this psychoanalystic bullshit asking me why I thought I did that. Asking me for a grocery list of things that bother me. No one can do that! And she is certainly not one to be psychoanalyzing. I let things build up, and then I yell, but it's not really personal. I'm angry with her for growing abroad. I'm angry she leaves a mess after I clean for someone to look at the house to take her place. But the first thing I won't mention, because I know she wants this more than anything…even though she dind't realize that until a week ago. And then there is the toothbrush incident. Apparently, I really insulted her when I asked, "Hey, Cath, you know this toothbrush is mine, right?" What else was I supposed to think? My brush was wet even though I didn't use it. I wasn't really disgusted, and it wasn't really a big deal, more of a curiosity. Our toothbrushes look really close, and hers won't get used for a couple days. Was I supposed to assume that it was some toothbrush phantom? I find out last night she was really insulted. "I thought we were close enough friends that you'd know I'd never do that." What? I wasn't grossed out or anything, I mean yeah, it's gross, but not that big of a deal. Apparently it was for her. But what was I supposed to think? Then she pulls the friendship card. "It's things like this…that you can get angry about me waking you up when I never get angry about you waking me up, or that you'd think I'd use your toothbrush, that makes me question how much you really value our friendship." … Sweetheart, if you are questioning our friendship, that’s all on your shoulders, not mine. I was angry at you. You woke me up when I was sick and needed sleep. Should I have snapped at you and embarrassed you? No. I was wrong to do that. But don't assume that this means the end of our friendship. I get over my anger really quickly, and you should know that by now. If you need to question our friendship, then clearly there is something else that you're not talking about. It's too late to persue it any further. She won. I'm the psychobitch. I poured my heart out to explain myself, and she starts in with those psychoanalytical questions, and I am not going there. Everyone has a mean streak. I can admit to mine, but I am certainly not going to attack you for yours. Don't bring up my faults if you aren't prepared to bring up your own. I didn't say anything, but sweetie, there's a whole laundry list.

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